Your tits are I can't wait for
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
