There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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