I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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