Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
