So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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