We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
