so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
