Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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