She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
