I think i peed on brittanys purse
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
