Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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