new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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