my phone needs a breathalizer
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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