I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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