The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
