Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
