I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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