My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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