I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
