I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just pee around me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
