I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
