Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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