Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
