Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
