Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't turn off my feet"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
