i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
