you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
