My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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