This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
