haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
