I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
