I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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