her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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