you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
