Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
