Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
