Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
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I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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