Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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