i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
