I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
