my being single is dangerous.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
