If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
