oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
