I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
