So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
