his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
