You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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