Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
