I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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