You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize