I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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