I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Rumble strips road head = magical
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
