Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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