If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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