It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
