Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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