I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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